don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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