checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
