I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
