Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
