There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
