god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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