the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
