i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
