It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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