my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
