Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
