somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
