i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
