life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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