i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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