I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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