I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
