Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
