remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
