brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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