And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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