and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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