Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
