I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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