What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'd cum for enchiladas.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
