Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
