Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
