I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
