____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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