His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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