I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
