no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
