Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
