she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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