Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
