At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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