i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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