just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
