he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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