it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm too high and old for this...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
