i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
