Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
