saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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