Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
