I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
