I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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