at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
