you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
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I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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