i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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