he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
