Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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