woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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