he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
