shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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