Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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