defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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