highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
