I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
