Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
