1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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