you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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