Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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